I don’t usually think much about being an expat. In many ways my experience is not that dissimilar from many other people. Lots of us these days move to places remote from our families, away from where we grew up – often with less of a support network than before.
The difference with me is that my family and I now live over 5000 miles away from the place that we used to call home. So what is it like? Should you do it? Is it the glorious life that everyone imagines it would be? What should you expect? Here are my reflections on moving abroad…
The beginning…
My husband and I moved to the states 3 and a half years ago. We’d just got married, my husband was offered a job here, we’d both always fancied living abroad (especially California) and so the opportunity presented itself. Neither of us thought twice about it. We knew we’d miss our family and friends, but were so excited about the adventure that awaited us. Plus it was only a 2 year contract, so we felt more like teenagers setting off on a ‘gap year’ than adults moving abroad.
Fast forward 3 and a half years – we have a 2 year old son, friends, I have a job too, we are happy – and yes we are still here. (Let’s just say the contract got extended!) Lately I have been thinking a bit about being an expat as we have been considering the options for our future as a family. I hope that my reflections on moving abroad will be helpful to anyone else out there considering a similar path.
Follow your heart. Whether it’s moving abroad or staying put.
For years I worried about needing to be settled in one place, married, with a house and so on before having a baby and then staying there forever and ever. I’m not saying you shouldn’t do that if it’s right for you and it works out that way. I’m just saying there’s no rules. We had always wanted to live abroad and didn’t already have children – if we did things might have been different. So we went for it. It has been refreshing to realise that I didn’t have to have what I thought was the ‘perfect’ situation to have a baby, or to be happy. Don’t be scared to go for it, if that’s what you want. Although, if after consideration, you decide that living abroad is not for you, that’s fine too. Just do what’s right for you and your family – then enjoy your life.
Some days the grass is greener, some days it is not.
So you decide to move abroad and think “This is it! The life I’ve always wanted.” Well, some days it will feel that way and some days it won’t. Life abroad is just like normal life – it has its ups and downs. Except those ups and downs can be more extreme – especially to begin with. The first year can feel like a roller coaster. Some days, you’ll feel excitement at being in an amazing new place, new culture, meeting new people, doing new things. Other days, you’ll feel homesick, missing family, feeling down that you don’t know anyone and don’t know where to begin.
These extremes will likely vary depending on how far you have moved, how often you are likely to see family and friends, whether you speak the language, whether you have a job or not and so on. I was very up and down when we first moved here – this wasn’t helped by the fact I didn’t have a job. So I applied for a volunteer post that looked interesting and haven’t looked back. There were still ups and downs, but they became less extreme and there were more and more of the ups.
Realise that it’s perfectly normal to be up and down, especially to start with and that’s okay. Try to find ways to be positive and push yourself out of your comfort zone to try new things. (You’ve moved out of your comfort zone anyway, so you may as well leap a little further still!)
You will feel culture shock (even if you thought you wouldn’t).
I thought moving to America I wouldn’t have to worry about culture shock, but I was wrong! Even in countries that speak the same language there are differences that may take some getting used to. Different vocabulary, different ways of doing things, different rules, different side of the road to drive on… I can’t imagine how big the culture shock would be moving somewhere with a different language too!
You will get used to differences in culture.
For me this was fairly quick as although there were differences in culture, they weren’t too extreme. I was quickly looking the right way when crossing the road and calling nappies ‘diapers’. If there are more extreme differences in culture it will probably take you longer to get used to them, but you will. Remember, despite the differences in cultures, there are always many similarities. People are really very similar the world over.
You will make new friends.
You will find people with similar interests and outlooks to you and you will make new friends. You can accelerate this process by seeking out and embracing opportunities and staying open minded. It is so true that a stranger is simply a friend you haven’t met yet. Don’t be afraid to be bold. If you meet someone you like, ask them if they would like to meet up some time.
Although I always thought of myself as a confident person, I struggled with this to begin with. I had always made friends easily through the work place, or by just knowing people for a long time. When we first moved to America I didn’t want people to think I was ‘desperate’ to make friends (even though I probably was!) You don’t need to be desperate though – just be yourself and put yourself out there. Be natural, but also make opportunities. One of the best things I did was to start a book club – as it gave me an excuse to invite people I liked to join the club! Now some of them are very good friends to me.
The weather does make a difference!
Of course this depends on where you are moving from and to, so is highly variable! But the chances are you will aim to move somewhere with better weather than where you are moving from. Or, if you’re a Brit like me, then, let’s face it, it won’t take much to improve on the weather situation! I used to think moving abroad for better weather was a silly reason to move. Of course it was not the reason we moved to California and I don’t think it should be the only reason to move abroad. That being said I underestimated how much the weather would impact on my wellbeing in a new country.
With a mild climate and lots of sunshine – the weather often brings me up, even on days I am feeling down. It makes me laugh when people in San Francisco moan about the weather – which admittedly is unpredictable, with seasonal fog and strange little micro-climates. But the weather is infinitely better than England and it makes a real difference to be able to spend so much time outdoors with Little M, all year round.
Nothing has to be forever.
Sometimes people ask me “Are you staying forever?” Our future here, like life itself, is a little uncertain. We want to move back to England eventually. Maybe soon. Maybe in a while. We want Little M to be settled in a place where he can make friends and stay in the same school and not have to keep moving around. We want him to get to know his grandparents and his many aunties, uncles and cousins – with more than a skype screen. We don’t get to visit England, or have visitors here, as much as we thought we would and we see our future being back in England.
But in the meantime we are enjoying our life in the present. We are all happy, Little M is doing well, we live in a fantastic place and are loving being here. I don’t like the idea of forever. It implies a permanency, when really life is fluid. Love and friendship can last forever, but things, places, even people, can change. For me, it’s now that matters. So I’m not going to worry about forever for now… because the way I see it, forever is happening right now.
Lead photo by Dominik Schröder courtesy of Unsplash.
Have you moved abroad? Do you have any reflections to add?
Or are you thinking of moving abroad? Please share.
Hi Rosie, this was such a perfectly timed post for me 🙂
Expat Brit mum of 3 in Sweden with plans on the horizon to come to Sacramento . Loved all of your reflections AND THE PICS <3
In terms of possibilities, we're as 'stuck' or as 'free' as we think we are. Then there are many practicalities to it all of course!
I'm going to have to check around your site to see if I can find a bit more of your story. Thanks.
http://misplacedbrit.com/california/california-here-we-come/
Hi Steph, thanks so much for your comment!
How exciting that you are going to be moving to Sacramento – just a couple of hours from here.
I agree, I think if you really want to do something you should just go for it. What an adventure for your children! Yes, there are always practicalities, I think it’s just a case of being as organised as you can when it comes down to any move – especially with kids in the mix!
I’m off to read your ‘moving’ story now… x
Such fantastic tips and insight into moving abroad, I think there’s still part of me and OH that would relish the chance to spend a bit of time abroad together, as I’m a firm believer that we only get one shot at this life and have to grab everything with both hands. He worked in Canada before we met and I lived and studied in the US so it would be great to have adventures together. That said, I’m not entirely what we could do with our doggie if the opportunity ever came, she’s part of the package X
I know, you do just have to go for it I think. But sounds like you’ve had lots of adventures abroad too! Living and studying in the US sounds fab! I think you just have to do what’s right for you and your family at each time in your life. Sometimes the adventures are closer to home. Thanks for taking the time to comment – I appreciate it. x
Well one thing I have learned is never say never whatever stage you and your family are at! I have moved on and off all my life but last time we moved home with a three and a five-year-old we thought that was it, we were done and now we would settle…..ha! Here we are, just over four years later, preparing for another move (to South Africa) this summer. We’re telling ourselves it’s for two years only…but in all honesty, having been through everything I have, all bets are off.
Haha, definitely agree! But I think one of the best things about being an expat is that it really makes you live life in the present. When you can’t plan too far ahead anyway then you just have to live for ‘now’. South Africa sounds amazing – will look forward to hearing all about it…
Really interesting post and insight into what it’s like – I always thought I’d live abroad with my family and then I met (and married) a guy with a daughter so we will always be North East based now. I’m OK with that but I’m happy to be able to live vicariously through you 😉 Thanks for linking up to #Thelist xx
Thank you for hosting! It’s all about doing what is right for you and your family. And living abroad isn’t the only way to have adventures! Don’t get me wrong, I love living where we do, but eventually is does become ‘normal life’ and you still need to make the effort to ‘seize the day’ wherever in the world you are living. You sound like you are very happy and I am enjoying reading about your castle adventures!
I moved to the UK 11 years ago now for 12-18 months. I’ve now been in the UAE for nearly 3 and have three kids. Growing up in New Zealand and Australia I hated moving around and swore when I had my own family I’d stay put. The Expat life certainly grows on you and while there are good days and bad days I wouldn’t change the life we’ve chosen for the world. The sunny days out numbering the rainy certainly helps our present situation too ; )
Wow, you have definitely seen some of the world! You are right – expat life does grow on you. And I agree that sunny weather always seems to make changes easier to handle! Thanks for sharing. x
Great advice here. I spent a year living in California as a student and loved it… Agree very much about all the funny cultural differences!
I know – I really thought there wouldn’t be much of a difference, moving from the UK to the US. But it’s amazing how 2 countries that speak the same language can be so different in terms of culture. Thanks for commenting 🙂
I really enjoyed reading this post! It’s great to do a reflection on life as expats, I think I am inspired for a new post haha!!!
I totally agree with the idea of “forever” in terms of living somewhere being a weird one, I wonder if being an expat has made us feel that way!? Expat life is certainly a very fluid one, for some more than others!p but I think for most it is more so then if they never moved abroad!
I used to live in San Diego and absolutely loved it, I think California is a wonderful place to live!
Thanks so much for sharing this post with #myexpatfamily 🙂
Hope to see you again next month! X
Thanks so much for commenting! I agree, being an expat gives you a different perspective on life, that you may not have gained if you had not moved abroad. Thanks for hosting! Yes, I’ll be there next month! x
It’s tough living far away from where your family are, from where you grew up. But as I have learned, your home is where your immediate family are. You three make your house a home, and your future will be your future. As you are doing, just enjoy the present. x
You are so right. Thank you for sharing. I found this comment really inspiring and profound 🙂
I nodded my head through this whole post. Especially here: “It has been refreshing to realise that I didn’t have to have what I thought was the ‘perfect’ situation to have a baby, or to be happy. Don’t be scared to go for it, if that’s what you want. Although, if after consideration, you decide that living abroad is not for you, that’s fine too. Just do what’s right for you and your family – then enjoy your life.”
I’ve been trying to put this into words without sounding judgmental – but it really is about doing what’s right for you, and there is no perfect situation. After being married a few years we’re starting to answer all the questions about having kids and there’s always a tacit assumption that we will either stay abroad without kids or move home to have kids, but there’s that third option that’s a very real possibility that most people don’t think is valid. Thanks for sharing this!!
You’re welcome, I’m glad it resonated. Yes, it’s definitely all about doing what’s right for you – and realising that, although it’s good to have plans, the best things in life usually happen outside of the plans! Thanks for commenting – appreciated. x
I really enjoyed reading your thoughts on expat life and many of them resonate with me, but the last one in particular had me nodding my head enthusiastically: indeed, nothing has to be forever. This is what we told ourselves 4 years ago when we left the UK for Italy, and now that we’re preparing to move to Sweden in a few months’ time it’s become our mantra again. I think that as soon as you accept this as well as the fluidity of life in general, the whole living abroad thing becomes a lot less momentous than people make it out to be, and you also put less pressure on yourself to “make it work”. As far as I am concerned, we will give our lives in Sweden as much of a chance of happiness as we did here in Italy. I hope that the experience will be positive too, but if it’s not it’s perfectly okay to say, at least we tried. Next!
Agree, agree, agree! Very well put, I was also nodding enthusiastically at your comment. We will never know until we try. Sweden sounds an amazing opportunity – embrace!
Great post! I never even imagined living abroad so when my husband told me it was about to be an option I was shocked and we made a decision and moved very quickly. He had lived abroad as a child so I think the idea was easier for him.
I love our expat life. I miss the familiar of home, but am excited about the journey.
Thanks for sharing your perspective.
So glad you liked it. Our move was sort of sudden as well, I think sometimes that’s the best way – otherwise you might never do it! I think being an expat is generally one of those experiences in life that you will not regret. Even if we eventually decide to move back to our home countries, the experiences we have gained will only enrich our lives for the better. Thanks so much for sharing and all the best with your expat journey. x
Such a refreshing post! I bet people must love coming to visit you, what a place to live! Can we swap? Haha. Lovely honest post. #myexpatfamily
Thank you! They do, it’s a lovely place to visit! Thanks for commenting. x
Amazing advices! We are not trees we could move everywhere. Adapting is a hard process but not for everyone. My family moved to London when I was teenager. Most people underestimate our adaption possibilities. Everything is possible! Best regards!
Thanks for your kind comment. Yes, it’s hard to adapt, but it gets easier. We can all surprise ourselves with what we can do when we open ourselves up to opportunities. x