Dear Little M,
I am writing this whilst sat in a café, having just dropped you off for your first morning at preschool. Your first morning being left with anyone except for me, Daddy or your favourite babysitter.
I am sitting here wondering how I managed to do that without a single tear? Probably because I didn’t want you to see Mummy being upset. I hope you didn’t notice. Because now I’m sat here I’m trying to blink the tears back.
When did my little boy get so grown up?
I tried to not hover and managed to resist the urge to stay and hide behind the trees watching you.
I told myself I’d stay until you seemed settled then say a quick goodbye and leave. Well, after only a few minutes you were happy, exploring and having fun with the other kids.
So why was it then such a wrench to say “Mummy is going for a bit now, I’ll see you later” and to turn around with the empty pushchair and leave.
You are such a big boy now. How did you get so big?
Now I’m sat here wondering why time goes so quickly when we are together, but slows down when you are not here? When we are together we never have time to do all of the things we want to do. But now I am sat here with so much time and not knowing what to do with it.
I daren’t go home, because I know I’ll end up looking around the house feeling as though something is missing. So I’m sat here, computer on my lap, tea in hand, wondering how you are getting on. Wondering, what would I have seen if I had stayed and watched you through the trees?
A picture in my mind tells me I would have seen you climbing and balancing on the wooden logs. Running around with the other kids. Building towers and making mud pies. Smiling at the teachers. Getting muddy. Playing musical instruments. Insisting on opening your backpack by yourself to fetch your snack. I can imagine I would have seen you growing up a little bit. Even on this one single day in time.
When did you start growing up so fast?
In my mind I can see you through the trees in another years time and another year and another. Exploring, growing bigger, stronger, more sociable and more adventurous with each day.
I wonder what adventures you will have?
I am thinking back to how quickly the last three years have flown. Three years! You are very nearly three! I just want to scoop up all the memories of our time together and keep them in a bottle forever and ever.
In the meantime, this letter will remind me to seize every little moment with you. To hold on a little bit tighter to every cuddle. To smile every time you want just mummy and no one else. To stay in the moment and enjoy every second with you, every step of the way as you grow.
Suddenly it’s time to come and collect you from your first morning at preschool. Suddenly the time has flown!
I can’t wait to hear all of your stories. I can’t wait to scoop you up in a big cuddle. I can’t wait to be reminded that you are actually not even three yet. You are still my little boy. We have years and years of memories still to make together. And we’ll still be making them even when you are all big and grown up.
It’s time to pick you up. It’s time to go home. I will squeeze your hand and listen to your adventures. I will smile and laugh with you. And we will walk through the trees together.
I love you always,